![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( TL;DR )
-BowenSuccotash Sasquatch Razzmatazz Bowen R. (Nailed it)
The puppy whisperer. I kind of feel bad for putting her on the spot for the whole Stormcrusher thing, but she totally crushed it EYYYYYY
Tasteless jokes aside, she seems like someone I can really rely on. We seriously need to talk more, and not just because I want the dog to like me more.I mean that's most of it but No really, I do want to get to know her better.
Better at dog names than my brother, for sure, but there will always be a special place in my heart for Supreme Commander Alabaster Buttlick III Esq. of the Northern Byrdaesi Guard, Protector of the Backyard Bonfire Pit, Defender of the Flowerbed, and Slayer of That Fat Gopher Who Ate All The Carrots That One Time. God, I miss that dog.
Combat notes: Axe slinger???, some kinda spell casting dwarf or something. TELEPORTED A GIANT FUCKOFF WORM???? IS THAT EVEN A THING THAT RANGERS DO???? Goddamn. She's a sturdy little dwarf, can probably take a few hits.
Gift ideas?: I would say dog toys but those are for the dog. Research dwarf stuff.
The butt: 4 out of 5
UPDATE:
-Marse
A GOOD BOY!!! THE BEST BOY!!!
Combat notes: I mean it's a dog, there's probably a lot of biting involved. Further observation required.
UPDATE:
Still the best boy.
-Naeris
I still have no idea why she's even here. Actually, I don't know what most of these assclowns did to end up here, but Naeris is a total mystery. She's probably the sweetest person I've ever met, but then again, Dad always did say that you can't judge a book by it's cover. Ah, that was the first dad. Ian might say something similar, but then again he teased her about putting sugar in her coffee and it's like dude what the fuck don't be a prick to the literal nicest person ever?? C'mon, fucko.
But yeah, book, cover, etc. Naeris is sweet, but she did kind of fuck up a shit load of asshole dwarves at the disaster party. At the very least, she's a bigger badass than I initially gave her credit for, but odds are she's probably seen some shit in her time. I hope I'm not right about that, she's too nice.
Combat notes: Archer, cleric. Lightly armored. Unexpectedly ferocious for someone so adorable. Funky healing magics could save all of our asses. Protect at all costs.
Gift ideas?: Snack bag. Bottomless snack bag of holding. With a bunny on it. Hell yes.
The butt Oh my god that hair though: Best hair ever wins all the hair points
UPDATE:
-Velo Zapnuts
We really don't talk enough, I think. She's the kind of person I could totally hang with. ...Which I kind of already do seeing as we're all sort of working together, but y'know.
Shit she's cool. I mean, she's completely careless with her magic, but you know what? Sometimes you just need to set a goddamn forest on fire and shoot an asshole in the face with magic missiles. You fucking go, girl.
Combat notes: Sorceress, uh. Pointy teeth? Doesn't wear armor for some reason?? Everywhere is a weak point. Like everywhere. Suggest that she maybe remedy this. Her magic is undoubtedly powerful, but seems unstable. IMPORTANT: Don't stand near Gorudak when she's shooting lightening about. Testicle danger.
Gift ideas?: She is a fancy lady who likes to look fancy. Horn bling? A cute scarf? She could rock the shit out of a cute scarf.
The butt: Hidden by tail. A mystery.
UPDATE:
With Nin, I was pretty shocked that she fucked up half of gnomeville with magic vines and shit, but Velo? Nah. In fact, I would have been surprised if she hadn't blown something here up at some point. She's predictably unpredictable as far as her magic goes, and I almost get the feeling that she tempts the effects of the Stormwall on purpose just to see what might happen. I can't really call her on that, though. I totally do the same thing. She seems to have a tendency to just do whatever the fuck she feels like despite anyone else's protests, which, again, I can't really call her on that. I guess we have a few things in common?
-Gorudak the fucking blender tornado
Has graduated from 'probably racist' to 'HOLY SHIT DID THAT MOTHERFUCKER JUST BLENDER TORNADO THE INSIDE GUTS OF A PURPLE WORM'. the answer is yes, yes he did. We've come a long way from the days of literal shit flinging, but fuck. He's still kind of a cranky fuck and needs to lighten up. We spend more time arguing than having actual conversations, AND I WISH HE'D WARN ME BEFORE THROWING ME AT SHIT. Other than all that shit, I think we're starting to work out some kind of... teamwork? Shit? Something like that. It's a work in progress.
Combat notes: Fighter, 100% muscles. Well armored. Seems to have some sort of formal training, the guy knows his shit. Insists on protecting everyone. His heart's in the right place, but it's absolutely going to get him killed one of these days. He needs to learn to share the load, whether he likes it or not. I need to get some training from this guy because holy FUCK. My arms are noodles, maybe with his guidance I can. Become less noodles? I'll probably never be able to take a hit quite like he can, but I need to get stronger. If he goes down because he had to protect my skinny ass, I'll never forgive myself.
Gift ideas?: MORE HATS This boy needs more hats.
The butt:5 out of 5 You know what it's not even fair. All I want is a nice butt, why does everyone else have a better butt than me? Where is my butt!!!
UPDATE:
Notes:
-They all know a lot more about me now than I know about any of them, which honestly leaves me feeling a little vulnerable. I don't really like it, but there's not much I can do about it at this point. At the very least, I feel like I can trust them to not fuck me over.
I never would have found Ian without these clowns, I have to find a way to repay them somehow.
UPDATE:
-We've all opened up to each other kind of a lot since the beginning. Not everyone has spilled their like entire life story, but it's safe to say that we all trust each other at this point. There isn't a single member of this group that I wouldn't give my life for. Even Malcer.
( TL;DR )
Steady: Some sort of vigilante alchemist or something. Excellent at potion making. Keeps bombs in her bra. Set me on fire. Kinda scary. Badass.
Cary: Holy shit just ask her out already Cary PLEASE. Those biceps though. I can't decide if I'm jealous or just want her to crush me. Is that weird???
UPDATE: OH MAAAAAN Steady and Cary are dating I guess? Good for them.
Mercy: She is way better at her boobs than I was holy shit.
Caledon:MMM DAMN SON would smooch 100% yes If this dirty tramp hurts Ian I will personally burn his house down and/or peel his skin off I swear to fuck.
Portia: NOPE
Voice of reason she may be, but she isn't without her own brand of weirdness. I think the drunken vine chariot shenanigans were a little... fucking insane, and I'm equal parts shocked and impressed that she pulled a stunt like that, but goddamn. She also has the biggest (but not unjustified) hateboner for Malcer. Like the tension in the room when she and Malcer are in the same place is thick enough to cut with a knife. I've never known anyone who can hold a grudge quite like Nin can. It would be impressive, if it wasn't a little bit terrifying.
-Bowen
The puppy whisperer. I kind of feel bad for putting her on the spot for the whole Stormcrusher thing, but she totally crushed it EYYYYYY
Tasteless jokes aside, she seems like someone I can really rely on. We seriously need to talk more, and not just because I want the dog to like me more.
Better at dog names than my brother, for sure, but there will always be a special place in my heart for Supreme Commander Alabaster Buttlick III Esq. of the Northern Byrdaesi Guard, Protector of the Backyard Bonfire Pit, Defender of the Flowerbed, and Slayer of That Fat Gopher Who Ate All The Carrots That One Time. God, I miss that dog.
Combat notes: Axe slinger???, some kinda spell casting dwarf or something. TELEPORTED A GIANT FUCKOFF WORM???? IS THAT EVEN A THING THAT RANGERS DO???? Goddamn. She's a sturdy little dwarf, can probably take a few hits.
Gift ideas?: I would say dog toys but those are for the dog. Research dwarf stuff.
The butt: 4 out of 5
UPDATE:
Definitely smarter than she gives herself credit for, but probably way too gullible for her own good. ...Okay, definitely way too gullible for her own good. Ended up in Butcher Bay after some shit biscuits swindled her and tried to rob her family or something, and she shut it down with axe murder. This is badass.
Anyway. So she drunk married some gnome dude and unsurprisingly they're having like, marital issues or something. First of all what the fuck, second of all WHAT THE FUCK? Third of all I will chop his tiny little head off if he pulls any bullshit on her I swear to God. That said, I think she likes the guy? And he's rich, which is a plus, but still like I don't know this whole situation just strikes me a fucking insane and I really don't know what to think about it. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing and he really is a great guy, but considering all the bullshit we're getting ourselves into, maybe being married isn't the best idea right now. I like to think Bowen and I are pretty close, but would just flat out saying "hey you should divorce this guy that you barely know anything about" be overstepping the bff boundary?
Note to self; don't hand her any more weird shit. It has never ended well.
-Marse
A GOOD BOY!!! THE BEST BOY!!!
Combat notes: I mean it's a dog, there's probably a lot of biting involved. Further observation required.
UPDATE:
Still the best boy.
-Naeris
I still have no idea why she's even here. Actually, I don't know what most of these assclowns did to end up here, but Naeris is a total mystery. She's probably the sweetest person I've ever met, but then again, Dad always did say that you can't judge a book by it's cover. Ah, that was the first dad. Ian might say something similar, but then again he teased her about putting sugar in her coffee and it's like dude what the fuck don't be a prick to the literal nicest person ever?? C'mon, fucko.
But yeah, book, cover, etc. Naeris is sweet, but she did kind of fuck up a shit load of asshole dwarves at the disaster party. At the very least, she's a bigger badass than I initially gave her credit for, but odds are she's probably seen some shit in her time. I hope I'm not right about that, she's too nice.
Combat notes: Archer, cleric. Lightly armored. Unexpectedly ferocious for someone so adorable. Funky healing magics could save all of our asses. Protect at all costs.
Gift ideas?: Snack bag. Bottomless snack bag of holding. With a bunny on it. Hell yes.
UPDATE:
Oh she definitely killed someone. Like, with the way she's been acting? There's no way she didn't kill the absolute fuck out of someone. I mean, whoever it was probably deserved it, Naeris doesn't seem like the kind of person to just kill a dude for shits and giggles. ...Unless it was an accident. Oh shit, did she accidentally kill someone? Oh noooo now it's sad. That would totally explain why she doesn't want to talk about it. Oh no, poor Naeris. Yeah I'm getting off topic.
She's still basically the sweetest person I've ever met, and the faith she has in her goddess, and hell, the faith she has in the rest of us, it's something I really admire in her. She's also ridiculously upbeat, which isn't really something that's new for her. Considering the fact that something is really bothering her, though, I think it's probably worth noting.
Also she loves to party like HOLY SHIT.
-Velo Zapnuts
We really don't talk enough, I think. She's the kind of person I could totally hang with. ...Which I kind of already do seeing as we're all sort of working together, but y'know.
Shit she's cool. I mean, she's completely careless with her magic, but you know what? Sometimes you just need to set a goddamn forest on fire and shoot an asshole in the face with magic missiles. You fucking go, girl.
Combat notes: Sorceress, uh. Pointy teeth? Doesn't wear armor for some reason?? Everywhere is a weak point. Like everywhere. Suggest that she maybe remedy this. Her magic is undoubtedly powerful, but seems unstable. IMPORTANT: Don't stand near Gorudak when she's shooting lightening about. Testicle danger.
Gift ideas?: She is a fancy lady who likes to look fancy. Horn bling? A cute scarf? She could rock the shit out of a cute scarf.
The butt: Hidden by tail. A mystery.
UPDATE:
With Nin, I was pretty shocked that she fucked up half of gnomeville with magic vines and shit, but Velo? Nah. In fact, I would have been surprised if she hadn't blown something here up at some point. She's predictably unpredictable as far as her magic goes, and I almost get the feeling that she tempts the effects of the Stormwall on purpose just to see what might happen. I can't really call her on that, though. I totally do the same thing. She seems to have a tendency to just do whatever the fuck she feels like despite anyone else's protests, which, again, I can't really call her on that. I guess we have a few things in common?
-Gorudak the fucking blender tornado
Has graduated from 'probably racist' to 'HOLY SHIT DID THAT MOTHERFUCKER JUST BLENDER TORNADO THE INSIDE GUTS OF A PURPLE WORM'. the answer is yes, yes he did. We've come a long way from the days of literal shit flinging, but fuck. He's still kind of a cranky fuck and needs to lighten up. We spend more time arguing than having actual conversations, AND I WISH HE'D WARN ME BEFORE THROWING ME AT SHIT. Other than all that shit, I think we're starting to work out some kind of... teamwork? Shit? Something like that. It's a work in progress.
Combat notes: Fighter, 100% muscles. Well armored. Seems to have some sort of formal training, the guy knows his shit. Insists on protecting everyone. His heart's in the right place, but it's absolutely going to get him killed one of these days. He needs to learn to share the load, whether he likes it or not. I need to get some training from this guy because holy FUCK. My arms are noodles, maybe with his guidance I can. Become less noodles? I'll probably never be able to take a hit quite like he can, but I need to get stronger. If he goes down because he had to protect my skinny ass, I'll never forgive myself.
Gift ideas?: MORE HATS This boy needs more hats.
The butt:
UPDATE:
I think out of everyone, my relationship with Gorudak has changed the most. When we first met, he was a total prick. He treated me like shit, literally threw me at things, wouldn't listen to a thing I said, but somewhere down the line that changed. For whatever reason, he decided to give me a chance. I would have been perfectly justified telling him to go fuck himself, but I didn't. I decided to give him a chance too, and I'm so fucking glad that past me made that call. I've known that I could trust Gorudak with my life for a long time, but at this point I feel like I can trust him with so much more than that.
He's incredibly bad at making sure he doesn't get fucked up in fights, and apparently he's literally the stupidest drunk in history, but aside from that, I trust his judgement. I'm glad I told him about Ian, I don't know what the fuck I'd even be doing with myself right now if it wasn't for Gorudak.
Also I finally got a hug and he said I'm his best friend (!!!), but I was too depressed to enjoy it. Life is cruel.
Malcer:
Malcer is complicated. I think he's got some kind of personal agenda on top of everything else we've got going on, but I'm really not sure. He has a difficult time trusting people, he's kind of a massive bitch, and this weird, petty fued he's got going on with Nin is kind of doin' me a concern, but I know we need him as much as he needs us.
Malcer is complicated. I think he's got some kind of personal agenda on top of everything else we've got going on, but I'm really not sure. He has a difficult time trusting people, he's kind of a massive bitch, and this weird, petty fued he's got going on with Nin is kind of doin' me a concern, but I know we need him as much as he needs us.
I kinda get it, I think? I didn't trust any of these other chucklefucks when we first met, but now we're all pretty tight. Malcer's kind of an outsider looking in in that regard, and his attitude certainly wasn't doing him any favors. Also he was a huge piece of shit to me that one time, real dick move there. I think ever since that big weird family meeting thing we had, though, he's been doing better. He's been opening up to us more. Not a lot more, but I'm sure that it wasn't easy for him.
I wouldn't call Malcer a good person, but I think he has the potential to become one. Whatever thing he's got going on with Portia bothers me. I don't know if it's even possible, but I want to see if we can find a way to get him out of that whole situation.
Notes:
-They all know a lot more about me now than I know about any of them, which honestly leaves me feeling a little vulnerable. I don't really like it, but there's not much I can do about it at this point. At the very least, I feel like I can trust them to not fuck me over.
I never would have found Ian without these clowns, I have to find a way to repay them somehow.
UPDATE:
-We've all opened up to each other kind of a lot since the beginning. Not everyone has spilled their like entire life story, but it's safe to say that we all trust each other at this point. There isn't a single member of this group that I wouldn't give my life for. Even Malcer.
( TL;DR )
-Close quarters - Exploit blind spot, slit throat
-Mid distance - Exploit lack of magical skill, employ spell casting (Note: research more powerful spells)
-Long distance - Exploit blind spot, crossbow bolt him in his shitty lying face
-Alternate - Follow Gorudak's advice and talk it out
Steady: Some sort of vigilante alchemist or something. Excellent at potion making. Keeps bombs in her bra. Set me on fire. Kinda scary. Badass.
Cary: Holy shit just ask her out already Cary PLEASE. Those biceps though. I can't decide if I'm jealous or just want her to crush me. Is that weird???
UPDATE: OH MAAAAAN Steady and Cary are dating I guess? Good for them.
Mercy: She is way better at her boobs than I was holy shit.
Caledon:
Portia: NOPE
( TL;DR )UPDATE: Gorudak did Desna a solid and got her pardoned on the whole Stormcrusher party massacre thing. What a good boy.
Boneryard update (lol):
Boneryard update (lol):
Wobblesprocket: I don't even care, I wasn't paying attention. Something sketchy's going on with him or something, I guess? Maybe he's an alien. I don't know.
Doc Hope & Cassidy: Apparently this is fuckin Steady's mom and brother who were probably dead but aren't dead WHAT A TWIST.
Funkytown: My brownie bro fuck yes.
Larold: Goo
Percy: I don't know what his name actually is, but he's this fucking dude in a sheep ram's skull and he's got like a hole in his chest or something. Oh also Bowen, Velo and I only see him in fucked up visions when we're asleep. Or when they're asleep. I guess I can meditate and hallucinate at the same time, that's multitasking.
He's been trying to help us find the... floating magic island thing that we're looking for, I guess. Malcer doesn't trust him, which I don't blame him for in the slightest. I'm going to keep talking to Percy whenever I get the chance to, because I think this is one of our best leads, but I'm definitely keeping Malcer in the loop because goddamn I have no idea what I'm doing.
