Varundaeris Tor'kalandara-Dawnrider (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
daddyissuesdrow) wrote2018-04-29 09:47 pm
daddyissuesdrow) wrote2018-04-29 09:47 pm
IC Journal: That sure was some shit that happened
[The following entry is written in Undercommon, with a little doodle of Marse with a frisbee taking up half of a page for no reason other than everyone loves Marse.]
So this vacation was a complete shitshow.
Well maybe not a complete shitshow. We got to check up on Desna and Wayright (what even is his first name??), and they both seem to be doing pretty good, all things considered. Steady and Cary finally hooked up and that was kind of adorable. Also the house is nice, the beach is nice now that it's dark out, everyone else's butts are nice. That parts really unfair, but now that all the butts are inside sleeping or whatever and not out here distracting me, maybe I can sort some of this horseshit out.
Probably not though, but hey.
So I got a couple tarot reading from Malcer. Neither one I really asked for, but they also weren't like as bad as I would have expected them to be? Especially not from Malcer, I figured anything he'd give me would be bullshit just because he seems to be out to make my life as annoying as possible, but I guess what I got was good advice? I never really thought of myself as being... what did he say. Closed off from people? Now that I've had time to think about it, I guess I can see what he means. It's not that I don't trust anyone else, I just think in some ways I'm still getting used to actually having friends, having more people around than just Ian that I can trust with my personal bullshit. I need to work on remembering that.
The romance part of the reading I'm gonna say was 100% bullshit just because I know Ian's never going to get off my ass about anything ever. Ian, I love you, but I'm 80, dude. I'm not 10 anymore. I can put on my own sunblock and tie my own shoes and assassinate my own targets and everything.
I guess I can deal with that stupid shit after we've saved the world. Assuming we get that far.
I'm still trying to make sense of the visions I had after I picked up Malcer's cards (he slaps like a bitch BY THE WAY). I get the basic idea, here's some stuff that the thing destroyed, here's the thing destroying you, blah blah blah. What bothered me- I mean, it all bothered me, but what stood out the most was how the second vision ended. Like hey, here's this thing that just completely devoured you and you're all dead and stuff, but the vision didn't just end when I was gone. I lingered there like, floating in nothingness for a minute. I don't know if it did that just because it was a vision and wasn't real, or if that's really what happens. This thing can devour the physical, destroy it, but what about the spiritual? Is this thing just full of the souls of the people and gods and stuff it's snacked on? Does that even mean anything or am I reading too much into it? I have been drinking a lot today and that probably has everything to do with it so fuck, I don't know.
SQUAD UPDATES?
B-Dog:
I'm kind of concerned about Bowen. She's been on edge since her tarot reading, and Malcer's fucked up light show didn't help matters any. I don't doubt that she'll be able to get herself back on track, she's a tough little dwarf and all, but I do wish there was some way I could help. Well okay, I guess I'll be able to if she decides she needs someone assassinated, but aside from that, I wish I could help.
No wait scratch that thought, she didn't get pissed off until Malcer said she needed to get laid and I'm not about to offer to help with that, holy shit.
I wonder if she'd be into it though Nope super not happening ever I don't even have an ass like for real and she's way too cool for me.
Gorudak:
I don't think Gorudak's doing too great after the funky light show reading either. In all fairness, things sound pretty bad. Like, really bad. Like absolutely nothing is in our favor levels of bad. Not that they'd ever been in our favor before, but now that we have this dipshit Malcer that can talk to demons and higher beings and shit confirming just how fucked we are... I can't blame Gorudak for being down about it, but I have to admit it's a little discouraging to see the toughest badass in the group in a state like this. Again, I have no idea how I can help? But goddamn, I wish I could.
Maybe he needs to get laid too I need to get off this fucking beach what is happening to me
NOTE: Ask him about Balan when all of this shit calms down. I swear I've seen the guy before, but this seems like a bad time to bring it up.
Ian:
Ian wants us to leave.
I don't blame him. This is some scary shit. We're in way over our heads and we have next to no idea what we're doing, and only a vague idea of what we're supposed to do next. I'm putting all of my faith into a bunch of weirdos I met on a boat, we're working with an eldritch abonimation who we traded literal years of our lives to, and who knows what kind of bounties Tetra's put on our heads? Not to mention I have some crazyfuck sister after me now, like... I can't blame him for wanting throw in the towel. I want to get the fuck out of here too.
At the same time though, for the first time in my life, I feel like what I'm fighting for might actually make a difference for the world. I was seventeen when I took my first life, I've been working with Ian on his jobs since I was twenty. I've been killing for decades, but in the long run, what difference has it made? For every evil shithead I've taken out, the Empire has someone to replace them within a week. I had that thing in Drodon that was pretty big, but apart from that? Compared to all of this, that all feels like it was just a waste of time. This shit we're doing now? This means something.
Fuck this. I feel selfish, but I can't decide what I feel more selfish about. I already told Ian I want to stay, but I want to get him the fuck out of here, too. I didn't come out here to save him just to lose him to this. If this gets him killed, I'll never forgive myself. But at the same time, if anything happens to Bowen or Nin or anyone else because I wasn't here to help, guess what? I'll never forgive myself.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
So this vacation was a complete shitshow.
Well maybe not a complete shitshow. We got to check up on Desna and Wayright (what even is his first name??), and they both seem to be doing pretty good, all things considered. Steady and Cary finally hooked up and that was kind of adorable. Also the house is nice, the beach is nice now that it's dark out, everyone else's butts are nice. That parts really unfair, but now that all the butts are inside sleeping or whatever and not out here distracting me, maybe I can sort some of this horseshit out.
Probably not though, but hey.
So I got a couple tarot reading from Malcer. Neither one I really asked for, but they also weren't like as bad as I would have expected them to be? Especially not from Malcer, I figured anything he'd give me would be bullshit just because he seems to be out to make my life as annoying as possible, but I guess what I got was good advice? I never really thought of myself as being... what did he say. Closed off from people? Now that I've had time to think about it, I guess I can see what he means. It's not that I don't trust anyone else, I just think in some ways I'm still getting used to actually having friends, having more people around than just Ian that I can trust with my personal bullshit. I need to work on remembering that.
The romance part of the reading I'm gonna say was 100% bullshit just because I know Ian's never going to get off my ass about anything ever. Ian, I love you, but I'm 80, dude. I'm not 10 anymore. I can put on my own sunblock and tie my own shoes and assassinate my own targets and everything.
I guess I can deal with that stupid shit after we've saved the world. Assuming we get that far.
I'm still trying to make sense of the visions I had after I picked up Malcer's cards (he slaps like a bitch BY THE WAY). I get the basic idea, here's some stuff that the thing destroyed, here's the thing destroying you, blah blah blah. What bothered me- I mean, it all bothered me, but what stood out the most was how the second vision ended. Like hey, here's this thing that just completely devoured you and you're all dead and stuff, but the vision didn't just end when I was gone. I lingered there like, floating in nothingness for a minute. I don't know if it did that just because it was a vision and wasn't real, or if that's really what happens. This thing can devour the physical, destroy it, but what about the spiritual? Is this thing just full of the souls of the people and gods and stuff it's snacked on? Does that even mean anything or am I reading too much into it? I have been drinking a lot today and that probably has everything to do with it so fuck, I don't know.
SQUAD UPDATES?
B-Dog:
I'm kind of concerned about Bowen. She's been on edge since her tarot reading, and Malcer's fucked up light show didn't help matters any. I don't doubt that she'll be able to get herself back on track, she's a tough little dwarf and all, but I do wish there was some way I could help. Well okay, I guess I'll be able to if she decides she needs someone assassinated, but aside from that, I wish I could help.
No wait scratch that thought, she didn't get pissed off until Malcer said she needed to get laid and I'm not about to offer to help with that, holy shit.
Gorudak:
I don't think Gorudak's doing too great after the funky light show reading either. In all fairness, things sound pretty bad. Like, really bad. Like absolutely nothing is in our favor levels of bad. Not that they'd ever been in our favor before, but now that we have this dipshit Malcer that can talk to demons and higher beings and shit confirming just how fucked we are... I can't blame Gorudak for being down about it, but I have to admit it's a little discouraging to see the toughest badass in the group in a state like this. Again, I have no idea how I can help? But goddamn, I wish I could.
NOTE: Ask him about Balan when all of this shit calms down. I swear I've seen the guy before, but this seems like a bad time to bring it up.
Ian:
Ian wants us to leave.
I don't blame him. This is some scary shit. We're in way over our heads and we have next to no idea what we're doing, and only a vague idea of what we're supposed to do next. I'm putting all of my faith into a bunch of weirdos I met on a boat, we're working with an eldritch abonimation who we traded literal years of our lives to, and who knows what kind of bounties Tetra's put on our heads? Not to mention I have some crazyfuck sister after me now, like... I can't blame him for wanting throw in the towel. I want to get the fuck out of here too.
At the same time though, for the first time in my life, I feel like what I'm fighting for might actually make a difference for the world. I was seventeen when I took my first life, I've been working with Ian on his jobs since I was twenty. I've been killing for decades, but in the long run, what difference has it made? For every evil shithead I've taken out, the Empire has someone to replace them within a week. I had that thing in Drodon that was pretty big, but apart from that? Compared to all of this, that all feels like it was just a waste of time. This shit we're doing now? This means something.
Fuck this. I feel selfish, but I can't decide what I feel more selfish about. I already told Ian I want to stay, but I want to get him the fuck out of here, too. I didn't come out here to save him just to lose him to this. If this gets him killed, I'll never forgive myself. But at the same time, if anything happens to Bowen or Nin or anyone else because I wasn't here to help, guess what? I'll never forgive myself.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't. What the fuck am I supposed to do?